I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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