Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Randomize
