dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
