I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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