There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
