Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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