Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize