I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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