so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
