i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
