Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
