Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Randomize
