I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
