I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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