I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
