dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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