Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Randomize
