I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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