My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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