and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
