A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
