Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Drake has all the answers
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
