I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
