Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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