Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
