I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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