i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
We need to rekindle our bromance
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
