I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
