Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
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