Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
