p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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