I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
