I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
