what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
