Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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