yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
I am spending my child support on dildos
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
