i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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