I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
