We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
