we're chasing vodka with high fives
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I FOUND THE LEGS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
