You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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