first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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