I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
It was confusing and full of hummus
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
