HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
