Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
