i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
