I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
