so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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