You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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