He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
He's a Shit stain on my heart
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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