Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
