I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
