Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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