you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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