I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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