hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
