Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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