I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
