she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I intend to get homeless drunk
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
