I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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